Monsieur_LeBehemoth

mrbehemoth @ 2008-07-05T22:42:00

2008-07-05T12:42:25Z

People can say anything they like about me, but one thing they cannot deny: I was born only nine days after Sophie Katinis.

They can't take THAT away from me.

I don't see where post-modernism comes into it

2008-07-04T00:37:38Z

New Matilda, and at least two comments that I don't really understand.

In other news, I just found out that Hey Dad! ran for 291 episodes. What is WRONG with people?

Returning to Study

2008-07-03T08:23:33Z

So I think I'll go back to university to get my PhD. My thesis will explore the question of whether it is theoretically possible for there to exist a worse way of spending two hours than watching The Jane Austen Book Club.

Chapters will include "The Upside Of Auschwitz" and "A Faith Shaken: Thoughts Upon Viewing A Trailer For Mama Mia".

A place for people who like me

2008-07-02T08:54:47Z

Where there will be no more pain, and no more sorrow, forevermore.

mrbehemoth @ 2008-07-01T21:58:00

2008-07-01T11:58:13Z

Seriously, what the hell kind of name is Bowie Wong?

I'm in Sydney

2008-06-26T23:17:37Z

But New Matilda rolls ever on.

Happy?

2008-06-20T08:06:06Z

OK, so this is a meme that Squib tagged me with, and I don't like to make her cry, so I'll do it.

What Was I doing Ten Years Ago?

Going to uni at University of Western Sydney, studying history and philosophy and playing pool and eating hot dogs and chips. I made some nice friends who I no longer have any contact with whatsoever, including Tim from Big Brother, and I learned some interesting things about Nietzsche and Sherlock Holmes. I also wrote some humorous essays on Australian history while I was supposed to be listening to lectures.

Five Snacks I Enjoy in a Perfect, Non-Weight-Gaining World

Potato wedges with cheese

Almond croissants

Marshmallows

Monte Carlos

Popcorn chicken

Five Snacks I Enjoy in the Real World

I just told you. You think I avoid eating unhealthy food?

Five Things I Would Do if I were a Billionaire

Establish my own production house for my movies and TV shows

Travel without let and hindrance throughout the land - in particular Italy, Switzerland, France, Germany, England, America, Canada, Brazil, Egypt, Botswana, Russia, Spain, India, China, Japan, Indonesia, Denmark, Antarctica, Dubai, Mexico, and some other places.

Befriend Megan Follows

Learn to play music on a variety of instruments - probably giving priority to guitar, since as lead guitarist in a band, I sometimes feel I should know how to play.

Get laser eye surgery

Five Jobs That I Have Had

Pizza delivery boy

Media monitor

Corporate video scriptwriter

Woolworths smoke shop operator

Humour columnist

Three of my Habits

I use my fries to scrape the onions and pickles off my burger

I strongly dislike making mix CDs without an underlying theme

I destroy my own chances of meeting people and making friends because of a misguided fear of embarrassment - does that count as a habit?

Five Places I Have Lived

Canberra

Cranbourne

Baulkham Hills

Stanhope Gardens

Killara

5 People I am Tagging with this Meme

ishara

notsomighty

Dr Cam Sexenheimer

akwilliams

crazyjane13

What a sap

2008-06-19T20:28:08Z

Meme from rosewart

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want — good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.
(You should answer even if you only have online memories of me.)

What?

2008-06-19T19:09:17Z

Battle of the Choirs, right. Show where choirs battle. Like Australian Idol, with choirs.

So the review says what the show is, and says, "the twist is the choirs have to perform modern rock songs."

That's not the twist! The twist is it's a show about fucking choirs! What other show is a competition between choirs? That's the twist!

It's like, "this show is about a malformed dwarf who is living in an artesian well and carrying on an abusive sexual relationship with his identical twin brother while trying to carve out a career as an Olympic speed skater. The twist is, he's Puerto Rican!"

Fucking reviewers, bunch of dicks.

More!

2008-06-18T11:08:52Z

Under the cut,

Also, my latest New Matilda up now.

Latest

2008-06-17T12:15:01Z

Jonah has put a new spin on an old classic. This is what he likes to sing:

Incy Wincy Spider
Climbed up the giant meatball...

He doesn't finish the song because he's laughing.

What I would like to do

2008-06-17T12:13:37Z

I would like to make a blockbuster superhero movie called Monster League Of America, featuring a team of heroes made up of the main characters from the movies Monster, Monster's Ball and Monsters Inc.

It would not just be an excuse for graphic, violent sex scenes between Halle Berry and Sully.

News

2008-06-17T12:10:21Z

I think of all my many hatreds, one of the strongest is for Jackie O. She seems to be the very epitome of the phrase "scum of the earth".

Of course, I would never say this were I in the company of John F. Kennedy, because he would understandly misinterpret what I was saying. Luckily he's dead, which is another thing I would not say in his presence, which I would never have to, because he's dead.

Actually, JFK would probably not take offence, because he didn't know his wife as Jackie O; he knew her as Frosty-Nips. So he'd just be like, who's Jackie O? And I'd say, oh she's this total bitch on Big Brother, and he'd be like, I wish I had a big brother, my little brothers are total dicks. And that's the attitude that probably inspired Bobby to have him killed.

The person you REALLY wouldn't want to confess your hatred of Jackie O to would be Robert Duvall. He wouldn't really care about her, but he's got quite a temper when he's drinking, so best to stay away from him altogether, really. The conversation might go like this:

ME: I fucking hate Jackie O.

DUVALL: RAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Duvall bites my face.

LOLJonahs!!!!

2008-06-16T08:14:09Z

He's A Dangerous Man

2008-06-15T20:40:39Z

Two Things About Jonah:

1. Jonah does not have an imaginary friend. He does, however, have an imaginary enemy. His name is Kofi, and every night at showertime, he is forced to administer a thorough beating to Kofi in the bedroom, and sometimes in the shower itself.

2. Jonah is what is known as a "gifted child", by which I mean he can sing the Indiana Jones theme before he's turned three.

Mocking My Betters

2008-06-14T11:25:30Z

Which is nice, at New Matilda.

The Fairies

2008-06-12T01:57:27Z

Harmony in the kids' TV show The Fairies is played by Candy Moll, which is appropriate, because she is one.

Rhapsody is played by Ruth Fallon, which is appropriate, because I would like a big wall to Fallon her.

A Footballing Love Song

2008-06-11T20:41:00Z

Our love it surged like a torpedo
But it turned out to be a drop punt
Now in my dreams I drop-kick you
You stupid little person

But then again, who hasn't?

2008-06-09T19:56:34Z

If I should end up dying without fulfilling any of my early potential, I think it will, in the main, be due to my having expended too much precious time and energy on worrying over the contradictions inherent in the concept of Liquefied Petroleum Gas.

This will be engraved on my tombstone.

He used to be cool

2008-06-06T07:58:50Z

Kevin Rudd.

In Senate Estimates, when Nick Minchin asked the public servants whether they had to work "24-7" for Rudd, I don't know why they didn't just say no; it seems pretty obvious that no matter ho hard they're working, it's not 24-7, otherwise they would be dead.

They actually played some of the Senate Estimates on the radio. It sounded like a good way for politicians to avoid any hint of practical achievement.

Rocky the Squealing Brut Bottle

2008-06-01T09:32:09Z

So there's a video on The Australian website and it says, Child Obesity Rate Slows.

And the image is of a schoolgirl.

So if I clicked Play, would I see the girl slowly get fat?

And then show her three years ago, getting fat fast?

I could just click Play, but it seems an awful lot of finger-effort to have my illusions shattered.

Boris Handsome, MI5

2008-06-01T08:24:41Z

The Queen apparently wants Kate Middleton to get a proper job before she becomes a royal. How very sensible of her.

In other news, George Bush has expressed concern that Jenna's new husband is a little inarticulate, and Bill Gates has declared he doesn't want his children "getting mixed up with nerds".

Sometimes it's OK Part I

2008-05-29T17:47:40Z

Sometimes it's OK to be judgmental of other people's life choices.

For example, when you read in a magazine that ex-footballer and fat fool Billy Brownless says he has "never read a book", it's OK to say, "what a fucking moron".

In other news, ACHTUNG!

Ben makes disgraceful jokes about evil paedophiles

Please be warned, the above article is slightly controversial despite its overweening silliness, and probably shouldn't be taken too seriously, especially if it makes you hate me.

After all, as "Kevin H" says:

"It may be possible for a talented satirist to provide thought provoking material on this difficult topic. Unfortunately, there was never any chance of Ben being up to the task."

Self-promotion

2008-05-27T20:06:42Z

I get a mention in The Age

More importantly, I bet you've all been wondering to yourselves why you should buy The Adventures of Guanacoman: The Complete First Series.

Well, just feast your eyes on these QUOTES from the book:

"It is not often that a television series can make you laugh, inform you about current events, trigger traumatic repressed memories, cure leukaemia, provoke furious geopolitical debate, creep into your dreams with whispered encouragements to violent indiscretions, project bright green images of otters on the wall, teach you useful carpentry tips, achieve a realistic recreation of fifth-century France, and help you come to terms with excessive female ejaculation all within five minutes of the start of the first episode, but The Adventures of Guanacoman is that series"

"Why the hell not? If I cannot be a crime-fighting guanaco, I guess I will settle for my original ambition of being an alcoholic"

"Die, Frenchy!"

"Ha ha ha! Now nothing can stop me from my dream of taking over the world and providing a low-cal alternative to sliced cheese!"

"Now, turn around and bite on this bundle of dried grass"

"Stop kissing that ape!"

"Like they say, if you want the best, you'll get monkeys"

"You wonder whether Kenneth Grahame, at the end of his career, had a sex change and became an international assassin?"

"Al-Caraggia! You diabolical pig-fucking nun-sucker!"

"I dressed as a badger and woke him up with a blow job, what more does he WANT?"

"The United Nations, eh? What does that dirty whore want now?"

"I turned to Jesus for advice, but he too had succumbed to the pressure, babbling non-stop gibberish in a Shanghai opium den"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Aren't you just SALIVATING at the prospect?

Looking for a new career?

2008-05-22T20:15:44Z

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