| Explosive Revelations |
[Jul. 10th, 2009|08:36 am] |
There are three kinds of explosive revelation:
1. The literal - "I am going to blow this house up"
2. The figurative - "The honourable member has been accepting cash donations in exchange for granting special favours to Nazi people smugglers from the ethanol industry"
3. The romantic - "There's a time bomb in my pants and it's set to detonate at half past you" |
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| A BIG ISSUE |
[Jul. 9th, 2009|10:02 am] |
Sexual harassment is a BIG ISSUE!
I don't know why sexual harassment is a big issue
In my day sexual harassment was not such a big issue!
We did not make a fuss!
They were more carefree times
We thought nothing of sexually harassing up to ten or twelve people in a single day
Because back then people respected each other
Back then people were not so obsessed with political correctness and communist extremism that they went around condemning others for their belief in tradition and convention and sexual harassment
Back then, you weren't called a "square" just because you'd rather sexually harass each other than go to the latest Rick-Lee Coulter concert slash drug orgy
I remember my friends and I used to play for hours in the street, with no fear of getting run over by the milk cart or bitten by cats
And when we were done we would run to my house, where my mother would be waiting with fresh-baked cookies and orangeade
And we would sexually harass her
And she would not mind, because it was ALL IN GOOD FUN
Is nothing all in good fun anymore?
It seems like everything nowadays is all in bad fun
What happened to good fun?
What happened to sexual harassment?
Now it is a BIG ISSUE
But sexual harassers are people too
Unless they're not
For example, if you wake up one morning after a party to find a sheep performing cunnilingus on you, that sexual harasser is not a person
It is a sheep
But sheep are people too
BUT NOT LITERALLY
Sexual harassment is a big issue LITERALLY
But that doesn't mean we all have to be robots
In fact, that would be ridiculous
How would it even work?
We turn into robots?
We don't have the TECHNOLOGY
Isn't it amazing, we can put a man on the moon, but if we want to turn that man into a robot, we have to send him to the future where the technology exists
Unfortunately, the technology does not exist to send him to the future
So we might as well not send him to the moon at all
What's on the moon anyway?
Nothing, that's what
The moon's a fucking wash-out
No wonder astronauts are always sexually harassing each other, given how bored they are by the moon
Poor astronauts |
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| The Man in the Mirror |
[Jun. 26th, 2009|01:44 pm] |
Let us think about why I am not particularly sad about Michael Jackson's death, beyond a vague, oh isn't that a shame feeling that has not impacted significantly on my mood at all.
Well, firstly, I tend not to get that upset about celebrities' deaths anyway. Farrah Fawcett I barely care about...but then, we knew she was going for ages. Although news of her last days was very poignant. Steve Irwin I was shocked by, but not very upset about. But then I never liked Steve Irwin and loathed watching him on TV - given that I am a great fan of Jackson's music, one might have expected me to be more cut-up, as I WAS about Heath Ledger's death - that one got to me.
But then the fact that Ledger was my age, and Australian, someone I knew about "before he was famous", made it a little closer to home. Also, there was no doubt that he seemed to have great things ahead of him, a lot of unfulfilled potential.
Let's be honest, Michael Jackson was probably tapped out. We may have had great hopes for his comeback tour, but he said that would be the end of it, and I don't think anyone was expecting any more classic albums. Or any albums at all really. So there's no great artistic mourning here.
Also, unlike some other artists whose work I like, I feel no particular connection to him as a person. He was always too alien to relate to.
Finally, what DID make me sad, for years, was what happened to him. He seemed to have such an unhappy life, and to warp himself so in apparently desperate attempts to be happy, that his life seemed to me to be the real tragedy.
And I suppose ultimately, his life made me a lot sadder than his death could have. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2009|10:08 am] |
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I suppose I should be sad. |
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| This is what I did at the Nick Cave night last month |
[Jun. 19th, 2009|02:57 pm] |
My assigned song was "There She Goes My Beautiful World":
I wanna tell you you're my world
I'm not just saying that because you're roughly spherical
I'm not just saying that because you weigh over 5 septillion kilos
I'm not just saying that because you complete a full rotation every 24 hours
I'm saying it because I want to explore you
I want to climb your hills
I want to dive to the bottom of your seas
I want to negotiate treaties between your face and ribcage
I want to test Inter-Continental Ballistic Missiles on the backs of your knees
I don't know what that means, but I want to find out
Because you're my world
Even though you walked all over me
Even though you crushed my heart
Even though I don't know what you were thinking that day when you walked into my life, clad head to toe in yellow rubber, barking incessantly in Norwegian
And for the next few months we were lost in the fever of our hearts
Telling each other those little reassuring things that lovers tell each other
Things like, "You're beautiful"
"You complete me"
"You'd be the perfect woman if you weren't so racist"
You knew how to push my buttons then but it seems now you've forgotten
So let me remind you:
WITH YOUR FINGERS
So you left
And it was after you left that I first met Nick Cave
At a Weird Guys In Black Anonymous meeting
And 24 hours later we were sharing a one-bedroom beach shack in Tahiti
And those were happy days
But as the Bible says, man cannot live by angry tropical gothic sex alone
We walked together down a dusty, hell-blighted road
Sharing a Golden Gaytime
And he told me a story, he said:
I met an old man on this very road, coat made of coyote skin, eyes like coals, and said, let me tell you about a woman I once knew, who said, Once, I knew a boy...
And I said wait, are you telling me a story about a man telling you a story about a woman telling him a story
And Nick Cave said yes, it's meta-fiction
And I saw the opportunity I'd been waiting for, and I smiled and said, I've never meta-fiction I didn't like
And with that Nick Cave took a piece of wood and beat me viciously for three hours straight
And I spent the next 5 years learning to walk again
All for you!
Because I remembered how much you used to like watching me walk
You used to say, walking is God's greatest gift to man
And I said, what do you mean?
And you said, man used to have to crawl along the ground with aching fingers and chafed nipples
Until God gave men legs as a reward for passing his tae-kwon-do exam
And I said, that seems to be a point of view not grounded in accepted biblical tradition
But I don't mind
Because when you tell it, and I look into your eyes
You remind me of a Nick Cave song
A good one
Not one of the weird ones
Probably the one with Kylie
Yeah
When I look into your eyes you remind me of a song about killing a girl with a rock
Because you're my world
And not because you're covered in ice at the top and bottom, and hot round the middle
And not because you're inhabited by thousands of species of beetle
But because when I'm drifting through space, passing all the planets
You're the only one who can give me oxygen
And when it comes to committing to a long-term relationship
I consider a girl who won't kill me by asphyxiation to be
The bare minimum
My beautiful, beautiful world |
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| Recent Twittering |
[Jun. 11th, 2009|10:22 am] |
The Herald Sun: Australia's most popular newspaper. According to it, the most important news this week is Ramsay calling Grimshaw a pig.
4:01 PM Jun 9th from web
Next week on ACA: Gordon Ramsay revealed to be shonky Lebanese builder.
4:01 PM Jun 9th from web
Breaking news on ACA: Gordon Ramsay beats up granny while defrauding her with telemarketing scam.
4:02 PM Jun 9th from web
Latest: Grimshaw reveals Ramsay single mother on dole.
4:02 PM Jun 9th from web
Ramsay's reply: Grimshaw's storage area "fucking disgrace".
4:03 PM Jun 9th from web
Latest: Ramsay points out Grimshaw's expired beef.
4:03 PM Jun 9th from web
Ramsay challenges Grimshaw to cook-off. Grimshaw refuses due to hot date with woman.
4:03 PM Jun 9th from web
Grimshaw demands Ramsay name the fathers of his eight children.
4:04 PM Jun 9th from web
Tune in tonight to find out whether Gordon Ramsay has been wearing the right size bra.
4:04 PM Jun 9th from web
Ramsay to Grimshaw: this is fucking RAW!
4:04 PM Jun 9th from web
Ramsay shuts Grimshaw down for the weekend for re-training and refurbishment.
4:05 PM Jun 9th from web |
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| Are you bored? |
[May. 29th, 2009|12:55 pm] |
Make sure you go to New Matilda right now to read what is almost certainly the most interesting thing anyone has ever written about Australian politics.
Then come over for some drunk Twister. |
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| Cave of Wonders |
[May. 28th, 2009|07:02 am] |
Tonight, at BMW Edge, Federation Square, 7:30pm:
WORDSTOCK - Reinterpreting the songs of Nick Cave. Tickets $20/$15
Besides me, it will feature such talents as Sean M. Whelan, Emilie Zoey Baker, Clem Bastow, Daid Quirk, Damien Lawlor et al.
If you're in Melbourne, you may well regret it forever if you miss it. |
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| Start of a Play? |
[May. 11th, 2009|09:59 am] |
Character 1: It's a funny thing, life. One minute you're running around the park, kicking balls and eating flapjacks, and the next you're worrying about mortgages and blood-thinners and such. Funny old thing. I remember my father, coming home from work, sweaty and with clothes torn and bitten, and he would sit down and make origami with us...
Character 2: Who are you talking to?
C1: Oh, no one.
C2: What?
C1: Well, you know how sometimes you just feel like sitting and talking to nobody in a loud voice about your life?
C2: No.
C1: Hmm.
C2 ...I was going fishing. Do you want to come?
C1: Well, see, the question isn't so much whether I want to go fishing -
C2: Yes it is.
C1: Oh sure, technically it is, but I guess what I'm saying is, I could answer the question, but what would that really tell you?
C2: It would tell me whether or not you want to go fishing.
C1: Sure, if you want to be that prosaic about it. I just don't see things so black and white. I guess in the end, I'm not...I'm not, I'm just not quite as racist as you.
Pause.
C2: Bye.
Exits.
C1: You know, there comes a time in everyone's life when they lose their innocence, when they have to grow up. I think the moment I lost my innocence was when I was 14. I was so excited, because we were visiting the big city in school holidays. And I remember my father took me for a walk through the busy city streets, and we saw all the thrilling sights, and I remember what he did next very clearly, because after an hour or so's sightseeing, he sold me to some Japanese businessmen. And I guess I was very naive in those days, and in many ways I wasn't emotionally prepared for what came next. The funny thing is, I've heard so many people talk about Asians and their small penises, but it's like so many other things in life - something might seem small, but it gets a lot less small when there are three jammed into the same small space. |
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| Probably not MacGyver |
[May. 11th, 2009|09:46 am] |
I took myself a thimble
And with it, I made an entire world!
A world of sweeping plains, and soaring mountains, crystal seas and blazing sunlight
And the marvellous thing about this world
Was that everything in it
Looked a lot like a thimble
Because is not the greatest thing about a world
That in its splendid variety and infinite diversity
It is all the same?
I took myself a paperclip
And used it to open a safe
And inside I found your severed head
And let me tell you, that day you looked as beautiful as the day I met, and killed you
TBC |
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| To My Son |
[Apr. 29th, 2009|03:05 pm] |
It seems like only yesterday
You were a tiny child sleeping in my arms, innocent and unaware and peaceful
And now you're such a strapping lad, tall and strong and buoyant
And so I think it's time for me to tell you
That you're a terrifying genetic freak and I'm going to have to kill you
It seems like only yesterday
I bounced you on my knee and read you bedtime stories every night
And now here you are out in the world, seven metres tall and impervious to conventional weapons
And so it's come to that time in every father's life when he must say, Son,
You are an abomination and for the good of mankind I must now slaughter you without mercy
It seems like only yesterday I fed you with a spoon
It seems like only yesterday I watched you in the bath
Playing happily with toy boats and squirty Bert and Ernies
It seems like only yesterday and yet it's true
They grow up so fast
In fact in your case you grew up in less than 72 hours and began glowing with an unholy radioactive aura
And now I have to get out my plasma cannon and my magic sword
And hunt you down
Before you melt anymore trains with your breath
It seems like only yesterday
You were my beaming boy
And now I suppose you still are, in a way
Although your smile has taken on a terrifying aspect of pure evil
And though it seems like only yesterday I said to you
I'll always be there for you
Now I can't help feeling that my only purpose in life is to wipe all trace of you from the face of the earth so that the human race can start anew with hope in their hearts that this nightmare will eventually pass from their memories and let them sleep at night without waking up screaming with visions of your unstoppable destruction hammering in their wretched, horror-twisted brains
And I guess that's what fatherhood is all about. |
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| A Wise Man Once Said... |
[Apr. 27th, 2009|03:45 am] |
"Boat people scare easily, but they'll be back - and in greater numbers."
The Rudd government's failure to sustain the Obi Wan theory of border protection has cost us dearly - as I explain in my latest piece on newmatilda. |
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| Seriously |
[Apr. 23rd, 2009|11:46 pm] |
If anyone has the current season (season 5, I think?) of Lost downloaded that can be put on DVD and that they are willing to lend or sell, I would be so grateful. Because I am never home when it's on and never seem to have time free to catch up on the rapidly mounting VHS backlog.
Also Heroes started again tonight, but to be honest I think I'm going to just let that slide and buy the DVD when it comes out. But Lost I was actually following. |
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| A Letter |
[Apr. 23rd, 2009|05:54 am] |
Dear Bogan,
I'm hoping you received the short note I sllipped under your windscreen wiper last week while your car was parked in between two legally parked cars in Parents with Prams spaces. Just in case you didn't, or in case you've forgotten the gist of it, here are the main points made:
1. This is not a parking space.
2. You are a retard.
3. You should learn to drive.
Point 2, especially, is one which you should keep in mind basically for the rest of your life. Keep it close, hug it to your tracksuit-clad, Winfield Blue-smelling bosom and NEVER FORGET IT. Let me go over that point again:
You are a retard.
You're not a retard merely because you are a dimwitted bogan who so revels in your sheer, unadulterated, originality-free white-trashiness that you actually have a Collingwood flag in the rear window of you car. It's not simply the fact that when driving said car, you hold up five other drivers because you can't park your car in less than six tries. It's not simply because you are a leather-faced middle-aged halfwit with a gaggle of repellent, flea-bitten children traipsing around behind you.
It's because when you parked your car, you parked it BETWEEN PARKING SPACES.
There were two parking spaces, side by side. Each one had a car in it. The white line between these cars signified the division between said spaces. It did not signify a special, "bogans-only" parking space just for you. The fact that Parents with Prams spaces are wider than normal ones is to allow easier access to doors and boots. It does not represent a challenge to you: "See if you can fit in here". In summary, next time you are in a carpark, remember that the lines are for parking between, not either side of.
Also remember, every minute of every day, point 2.
You stupid fucking retarded brainless fuckheaded bitch. |
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| To the tune of "Alone Again, Naturally"- |
[Apr. 16th, 2009|03:44 am] |
What would you do
If I told you that I loved you more than breath
What would you do
If I told you I would follow you until death
Would you stand up and scream at me, slap my face and say you want to see me dead?
Because honestly
That seems like quite an extreme reaction.
What would you do
If I came home one night
Bleeding from a head wound I received outside Hungry Jack's?
Would you take off all your clothes and hungrily lick the blood from my forehead?
Because honestly
That would be really disturbing
I've got to be honest
I find you very unpredictable
Sometimes it seems I don't know you at all
Especially when I consider
That I have never actually met you
You're just a girl I once saw in a food court
I don't really know where I'm going with this
It would probably sound better
If I knew how to play the piano
I could have had lessons, but I chose instead to play soccer
Which was a mistake because when I was 12
I was sexually assaulted by the rest of my team
What would you do
If I told you I loved you more than I loved being sexually assaulted by a soccer team?
Would you take it as a compliment, or would you spit in my face and try to bite off my arm?
What's wrong with you anyway?
What would you do
If I told you I loved you more than some hot chips in a bag?
I mean the chips are in a bag, I don't mean I love you in a bag
But if you were in a bag, I would love you
I would love you in a bag, or a box, or a thermos
But what would you do?
Would you say, even with chicken salt?
I would say yes, even with chicken salt and you know how much I love chicken salt
Would you appreciate that?
Or would you simply shoot me in the head and take my wallet?
I certainly hope not, for that last one. |
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| With Eggs! |
[Apr. 9th, 2009|05:52 pm] |
Sometimes, Easter can be a confusing time for those not steeped in solemn religious tradition. So for those of you who count among that number, here is a quick explanation of the Easter story, couched in modern terms for easy understanding.
THE STORY OF EASTER FOR THE MODERN "KIDS"
Imagine that you are driving, and in front of you is a big fancy car. Suddenly it slams on the brakes. You do likewise, but cannot stop in time. You slam into the back of the car.
The driver gets out of the car and confronts you.
DRIVER: You hit my car!
YOU: I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened.
DRIVER: It's not surprising really. I cut your brakes.
YOU: What?
DRIVER: Yes. Last night I came to your house and cut your brakes. Then I deliberately braked hard so you would hit me. I set it up so this would happen. I planned it all along.
YOU: So it's your fault?
DRIVER: Oh no, even though I planned it, it's still your fault. So now I have to punish you (takes out a gun).
YOU: You're going to shoot me.
DRIVER: Yes. In the head.
YOU: Isn't that a bit extreme?
DRIVER: Hey, YOU crashed into MY car! You need to be punished.
YOU: But...
DRIVER: OK, look, I am a kind and loving guy. I forgive you. I won't shoot you.
YOU: Oh good.
DRIVER: But I will have to shoot someone. Hey Junior, come out here! (his son gets out of the car, he shoots him in the head)
YOU: Dear God. Why did you do that?
DRIVER: Well, I wanted to forgive you, so I had to kill someone. Say thank you.
YOU: What?
DRIVER: I just saved you from being shot to death. Thank me!
YOU:...Thank you?
DRIVER: OK. Now here's my phone number. Ring me up every day for the rest of your life to say thank you again, and I won't shoot you in the head.
YOU: I thought you didn't have to shoot me, because you shot your son.
DRIVER: Oh yeah, but if you're going to be ungrateful, I'll have to shoot you anyway.
YOU: I'm very confused.
DRIVER: Here, have a chocolate bunny.
And that's Easter.
For a more inspirational take on the holiest holiday, see newmatilda. |
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| Better With Guitar |
[Apr. 7th, 2009|03:19 pm] |
Being in love with you, it's so hard
It's so hard
Spending five minutes without my arms around you, it's so hard
It's so hard
Looking at you without taking your face in my hands and kissing you, it's so hard
It's so hard
Turning round with you behind, walking into a cold night all alone, it's so hard
It's so hard
Because being in love with you is so hard
So hard to tear myself away
If only I were better
Finding the way to let you know the everything you are, it's so hard
It's so hard
Finding a mirror that would make you see what I see when I see you, it's so hard
It's so hard
Finding a word to sum you up when you are far beyond words, it's so hard
It's so hard
Because being in love with you is so hard
So hard to make you feel how you should
If only I were better
Because being in love with you is so hard
So hard to be the man you deserve
So I'll keep trying to be better |
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